crash
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now I am exhaustedby all thoughts
crashing down like a plane with broken engineit will survive this time I am sure
it is just too much confusionscared of not knowing
all the burden on me with no real supportno one really listening deep
I know this is not real - it is a emotional state for a short while - wait out each wave of it
all the theories but no resolutionfeels nice to writebut what to really do?
how do I get new air to breathe?how do I find the map again?
I think I have developedkeep saying thatbut have I really?
what are lies, denial, truth?can I see though feelings and not get dragged down by thembeing ok being aware only?
how do I pull through without validation this time?how do I keep sanity being fragile?
the practice of facing and embracing when it is hardthe practice of going on under this hard shipthe practice of releasing old ideasreally sailing with uncertaintydon’t expect help, but appreciate helpwhy can’t I do what I need to do?
I torture myself with what has been and could have been, but didn’t becomeI torture myself expecting short term working fixesTired of writing all of this.Tired of not getting anywhere at all.Doing and doing, but expecting something back when there is no one there.Why can’t I know what to do?
Tired of not getting tractions, tired of not having power enough, not wisdom enough.Tired of all practice that doesn’t apply.Tired of feeling down.Tired of listening.Tired of hearing.
Tired of not having a working approach.Tired off asking maybe, and to not have any certainty.Tired of being fragile.Tired of my emotions up and down.
Tired of this big wall in front of me.Tired of never knowing anything.
Maybe this great suffering can push me.Tired of being this serious.Tired of missing people and animals that I loved.
Tired of being less than optimal.Tired of looking.
I know this is samsara.I know this is impermanence.I know this is not lasting.
But how do I live it authentically?How do I release the focus on myself?How do other people deal with it?
Tired of the ego grasping and hoping.Tired of burning cycles writing this, but what to do instead?Tired of talking, texting, emailing.
Why can I never feel good about myself by myself.How to reach the surface behind emotions & feelings & thoughts?Why do I need to ask all the questions?Why can’t anyone answer any of them?
Why can’t I accept what is in a better way?I simply hate this state so much, never seems to be able to avoid it.I don’t feel it helps to describe or analyze so much.But where is the real anger and tears hidden?