loss
163
something I knewgot answered
in an honest wayas I asked the question
the answer still very painful
sufferingtrying to stay with itthis timenot escape
self compassionrecycle heart in pieces
—
looping in my headwhat she said (there is no chemistry)something I knew, implicitlybut different to hear, explicitly
I keep repeatingin my head:images, words, thoughts, memories
need to get force from the DADA:flower butter hound switch blade red green yellow steel bridgeall is mixed in my head, all is mixed up nothing is clear all is unstable all is confusiontiny dogs barking in my head, tiny cats meowing cactus
—
we have been friends all along, reallyI hoped something elsebut got openings now and then, to leaveI didn’t take them
but is this sorrow just that?something I really knew for months, or more
just fleeting emotionsfeeling sadlonely
but I know it wasn’t always like thisit won’t always be like thisI have someone liking meI have friendsI have new interestsI have therapy
I know some will be stirred up, now and thenI need self-compassion though
but I did things myself too…
I shouldn’t play myself down for this (since May)why did I go on pretending when she was clear?but all time together was mostly nice, so hard to appreciate when it is not morewhat is it I was looking for?
but I got told good stuff too