heart-mind ache
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“In Chinese philosophy, xin can refer to one's "disposition" or "feelings" (Chinese: 心; pinyin: xīn), or to one's confidence or trust in something or someone (Chinese: 信; pinyin: xìn). Literally, xin (心) refers to the physical heart, though it is sometimes translated as "mind" as the ancient Chinese believed the heart was the center of human cognition. For this reason, it is also sometimes translated as "heart-mind". It has a connotation of intention, yet can be used to refer to long-term goals.”
so tired of reading and thinking aboutso tired of writing about
need to get down to depths and blissI can do itI have done it
my intent is to use unprecedented action to decay and create blissI wrote thatI need to do it, to realize itI wrote thatwhy can’t I get out of the loopinto the beautiful world?
always locked into a prison I don’t belong in anymoreneed to stop theoryI always need to do somethingbut never do
I keep persisting and perseveringasking and asking
no real intenteasy to writeeasy to draweasy to create
I have felt lovebut I don’t feel noweverything amplifiedgraspingdesiringtrying to rationalizing
I never jumpand no one ever listensdoes it matter what I do relative what is proper
I escape in the zendo, some restrest of the day is suffering, between short periods of focusbut wrong mood leads to wrong focus
what does surrender meanwhy this painwhy can’t I live free of itsamsara - I know
I did all wild things, but ‘grew up’where is it nowwhy it is hidingsomething is telling me something, do I listen deeply, or just hear
three wonderful women in a year, and nothing workedprobably normal. but so hard to take
no connectiononly prisonno moneyno safetyno familyno dogno good house
I don’t have anything to losebut I still don’t do anything (well, I do)
how to intensify embrace turn the lamp inwardI know I can be very generous and helping in a certain moodwhy did she open that up? love? attention?
do I need attention? do I need someone to start a conversation, and not me chasingall is brokenbut it is broken at this point
isn’t writing a tool to rebuild? am I writing to ‘dry’meta meta
I do feel for Leah though
I can associateI can jokebut need attention and relaxation, and she gave it sometimes, someone who saw me.
need someone to see me?see my being (miss your Being :-))
don’t need more booksneed commitment to somethingneed intentneed focus
don’t need all directionsthis writing is proof, my writing is proofI can’t sustain anything: marriage, same job, writing long, playing guitar
I am hard on myself thoughand my name is perseverancebut how to soften the suffering just a little?
OR, this is a necessary purge?am I too extreme for a relationshiphow do I surrender to myself completely
I just don’t know or do I know?there is emptiness and impermanencehow do I cope
how do I recover my serenitymy relationship were doomed from the get go, matter of timeam I too negative
wabi-sabiAngst
I am sequencing but not really rationalhyper intelligentbut not emotional
hate sitting stuckneed external to move but I have to live myself
it is mind and attitude
maybe working, writing, drawing, sitting is all I can dohow to expandhow to challengehow to unstuck
need to get down, need to get down!
— part II
all is poetryall is artall is koanall is mystical- see nowall energy is good- changesall is playful
— part IIIChild hood memoriesLong dark hairExperience in mind counts not what actually happenedCounting breaths helpsThings feels much better
Is my mind simply full of mysteryWrite fun and pretty